19th September 2022
Go where you are celebrated not tolerated! I learned this quote today and it does seem profound. Who we surround ourselves by can raise us to our full potential or cloud, misunderstand and hinder us. Social norms are powerful & are delegated by your surrounding group, unaware or not. As Bruce Lee said ‘Hack away at the inessentials’.
One of the directors from my company mentioned something along the line of ‘if your strength is being a batsman spend your time batting!’. There is no point spending most of your time in the field when your true potential lies in batting. Of course it’s good to be well rounded, but first to realise what your strength is and then working from that place allows you to express your unique talents and be unchained from unnecessary work burdens due to not knowing oneself deeply. Again the infamous ancient Greek quote ‘know thyself’ crops up.
Are we aware of the power of your tongue? The thoughts that cause words to come? The conditioning or awareness that lead to the thought? Words whether said or written have had the power to rise civilisations but also crumble families. Are they kind, genuine and sweet like honey constructing a beautiful golden bridge? Or maybe something more potent and destructive?
This bring me to the topic of Praise vs Criticism. Often, especially in domestic settings, one can be scolded, criticised and condemned for even the simplest of things. This seemingly small criticism, when not constructively and consciously given, can slowly but surely hack away at the peace and trust in an organisation, household, relationship or even in relationship to ones own self.
This often occurs as each person’s brain has a mental map. As we discussed the brain is like a processor taking in inputs, processing images, sounds and ideas and then outputting. Humans may go through life being unaware or not pointing out positive aspects of the world – praising the world and it’s people when all is going well.
Suddenly when a mis-alignment happens. A certain brains interpretation and desires contrasts to the reality of the world. The situation is complained about or the person involved criticised. Instead being aware of this emotion and mental map is important as it allows us to see the world for what it is and compare it consciously to what our expectation is.
Genuine praise however can work wonders…it is a positive feedback loop to all the people involved increases gratefulness and balances the focus bringing back positivity. If a situation flows 90% in a ‘normal’ direction and 10% criticism and little praise is given all the person involved will hear is the 10%. The 10% critic then becomes almost 100% of the story & perspective of the situation. This because that 90% has either not been recognised or not appreciated. This is very powerful as this defines what light we see the world in. What veil do we put between our interpretation and reality? The infamous quote ‘appreciating the small things in life’ has such depth to it.
It is not so much that we focus more on the positive. Rather we can have a more balanced point of view. Humans naturally focus more on the negative as that is more noticeable. It clouds the positive more natural aspects of a situation or circumstance.
Parent-child relationships fundamentally are one of the building blocks of families and hence societies. The quality of interaction and awareness of this perpetuate certain conditioning and behaviour from one generation to the next. Parents can vastly shape a child psychologically for their lives. From guilt inducing phrases to kindling the unique flame of inspiration and wonder.
An common example amongst immigrant households is the breeding of a competitive mindset. The child works very hard for his exam and achieves 94% to make his Father proud. The Father disregards the 94% on a child’s exam result, ‘is that all, where is the 6%’? Not only is the viewing of the situation not balanced. The child may not have the mental grounding to view the reality for him/herself. Instead this psychologically makes the child feel not good enough, conditioning into being competitive and perfectionistic. Later leading to arrogance and burnout.
This resulted due to the parent wanting the child to succeed in this foreign environment, thinking it will make the child strive to do more. Therefore being in a single perspective rather than using empathy and entering that of the child’s. Similarly could apply to domestic issues. Withholding praise on purpose. Instead the reality of the situation may be realised. Subtle change in perspective yet powerful.
Noticing this in oneself and others is important. As not only can we praise more and criticise less, or rather more constructively. We can also notice and control our reactions to those who are unaware. This can help in conflict resolution. Rather than clash the veil of mental maps with one another. It may allow one to consciously pay attention to the reality of the situation. Allowing the play to unfold. As the wise Japanese man always asked ‘is that so?’.
-Jhoty
Jhoty 